Bitter Sweet Goodbye <<Jess>>

[Vivian Kings]

Mistakes are something we all make, whether large and unforgivable by some, or small and inconspicuous we all do it. Ever since the fall of man in that beautiful garden, its been our nature to make mistakes, to choose the wrong path every now and then, to make a wrong turn in life at one point. No one is perfect, in fact we are all quite far from perfection. “Strive for excellence leave perfection up to God.” That’s really how we should all live. But some of us stray from our designated paths. We can’t fix them, or go back and change what we did, all we can do is live with those mistakes… and try our hardest not to make the same ones over again. We can’t let our previous mistakes control our lives. If we do our lives would replay themselves over and over and that would be one heck of a boring movie to watch in the end. There is such a thing as living life to its fullest without being stupid about it. We can enjoy every aspect of life and still be smart about it. For instance cliff diving is fun… but doing it with out asking advice from a professional or seeking further help from someone who’s done it before that’s just stupid.

There is something in the world that we all live for. No matter who you are and what it is there is something out there that keeps you going… something that makes you feel like you have purpose. To some it may be the perfect job… to others it may be a special person in your life. No matter what it is it makes you feel special… it makes you feel like you’re need, like there is a reason you were put here. Even if the thing is just helping someone out when they’re a couple bucks short on the bills. It gives you reason… and that’s what we all really need. We all need reason not a choice. If we were al given choices every hour every minute even every second of every single day… it would be impossible not to make the same mistake over and over. Even for the person who has made the least mistakes of every person it would be difficult. And no matter how much we learn from other people we are bound to make a few of the same mistakes. But is there such thing as an acceptable mistake? Is it possible for someone to screw up… but it is a good thing? If it was a mistake in your mind to express your feelings and something happens that causes you to fall apart emotionally… In your mind it’s a mistake… but is it really a mistake? And even if its not… wouldn’t that mean that everything to someone in the world is a mistake? To smile to someone could be a good thing… but for someone else at a certain time it could be a mistake. Just like for Alex crying is a mistake… but to Anthony when she cries it means that she’s letting him in. Or like when she blocks him out that’s a mistake in his eyes but in hers its not, it’s making her safe again.

She doesn’t mean to hurt him when she does this… she just doesn’t like feeling vulnerable like that. It makes her feel weak, so when she does break down she blocks everyone out… She mentally shuts down… trying everything in her power to go back to calm, cool, and collected Alex. Emotions were something she was taught to avoid. Even when she was 5 and got upset she learned quickly to hold it in…and deal with it like an adult talk it out calmly and move on. And when it wasn’t a matter of talking it out she rode, cleared her mind of every distracting factor that was causing her to emotionally stumble. To some this was a mistake… some may say she should let her husband in… let him help her untangle the mess that is her emotions. But some know exactly how she feels. Some know what it feels like… to be scared… scared of letting someone in… when it’s possible that they could hurt you. Alex knew that Anthony would never intentionally hurt her. But she couldn’t shake the thought that lingered in the back of her mind telling her “Everyone makes mistakes” that “its entirely possible for him to accidentally hurt you without meaning to.” Now guarding her heart was just instinct… sometimes she didn’t even mean to. And even though she already surrendered her heart to Anthony when they exchanged their vows, she still found it heart not to protect herself from the impending harm that always stood on the other side of her emotional door. Like she knew as soon as she opened that door and let everything, which she had stuffed into that closet, fall out that someone was going to take advantage of that temporary weakness… So she always kept that door locked.

Always, up until a recent incident… or I guess a not so recent incident. Alex… like most girls had a best friend, and I’m sure you’ve heard the story… or heard about the story before. But her best friend was stolen away from her, and not by some other girl or guy who also wanted her as their best friend. No, Alessandra Haze had her life stolen away from her at age of 22. The accident was something that never should have happened. Alessandra or Ale as they all called her… was pregnant with split sperm twins. A boy and a girl each having a different father. Sebastian was the father of the boy. He was Ale’s ex-long-term-boyfriend who left her… leaving only a note and a devastated girl behind. Tyler was the father of the little girl. He was the rebound after Sebastian. She got a bonus and all of her girl friends were busy with their men… and she no longer had one. So she went out and partied and met Tyler had a one-night stand with him… and was planning on leaving it at that. Until that is she ran into the both of them at the stable… obviously really pregnant. Her plan after she found out that she was pregnant was to go hang out with Alex until she got a plan. Well turns out Alex was extremely involved with a guy Ale knew nothing about… After meeting him and getting settled she went to the barn to ride… and ran smack dab into Sebastian…. Something she definitely wasn’t prepared for.

After a disastrous encounter with Sebastian she found herself running into Tyler… low and behold he didn’t even remember her name, and she thought he was actually going to be the perfect guy for her… Turns out she was right. After a long “discussion” between the 4 of them… Ale, Seb, Ty, And Chey, Sebastian’s fiancé… or was it wife at the time? Anyways after a long talk they worked it all out… Sebastian hated Tyler… Tyler was going to raise the kids with Ale and Seb and Chey would go back to their happy little life without a care in the world. Sure she was a little bitter and pissed off at Sebastian… but wouldn’t you think she had the right to be? Everything was perfect… or at least it was for her. She was living with her best friend, She was expecting to bundles of life, and she was with the man that she loved. How much better could it get? Apparently it couldn’t. Months went by… and her due date was just around the corner literally I guess you could say. She just so happened to be home alone… Sebastian wasn’t checking in on her, Tyler was at the barn and so were Alex and Anthony. She finally had the house to herself minus the dogs of course. It was all-fine and dandy… until she went into labor that is… and it all went down hill from there. No one was home… it would take to long for them to get back and then drive her to the hospital… so she just figured she’d drive herself. She couldn’t be more than 3 centimeters dilated and he contractions were pretty far apart. Surely she could make it to the hospital before she delivered.

And she probably could have… had she not ran that stop sign…She was rammed into by a huge semi and killed… they got her to the hospital in time to save the babies but she didn’t make it. It was a devastating accident that none of them were prepared for. Especially not Alex, Tyler, nor Sebastian. Tyler hit rock bottom and they were all pretty sure that he’d never recover despite his daughter whom they named after Alessandra. Sebastian hid it pretty well… minus the drugs and drinking, but they all knew he blamed himself entirely. But back to Alex, she crashed, completely against her nature entirely, but she just wasn’t ready to handle something like that, not that anyone was ever ready to handle death. She couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing her best friend again… but she didn’t wallow in her sorrow. She didn’t cry she didn’t show her pain. She buried herself in her work. She filled her life with everything she possibly could, Riding, Work, wedding planning, the baby, taking care of herself and Anthony, anything and everything she could find she would put on her list. She had every intention on burying herself in all of her work. But if you really knew her… then you’d know she wasn’t fine like she lead on. She wasn’t handling it… she was hiding it. She was letting it smolder inside of her… she was a volcano just waiting to explode…

She did explode…it didn’t take much to set her off. All it took was some nagging by Sebastian… and that was all. She finally lost it. She couldn’t handle it anymore. She couldn’t handle the pain that she was living with. So she packed up and left… left everything, Anthony, the baby, the horses, her friends, her work, everything. She left it all and went back to New York… hoping to outrun the pain that was drowning her here in Pinewood. It broke Anthony’s heart and she knew she was hurting him and it hurt her even more knowing she was doing that. A phone call from Chey was what got her to come home. Cheyenne had called and told her that Anthony was officially MIA. No one had heard from him or seen him since she left, and that they were all pretty sure he was going to commit suicide if she didn’t come home. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen… he was supposed to take care of the baby until she got home which she promised she would come home. So she jumped on a plan and came home. Only to find himself near death on the track, after watching him fall off King while riding recklessly. Needless to say, she vowed, to herself of course, never to lose control over her emotions… even if it killed her to she would hide it. So really she didn’t let Anthony in because she was afraid that she’d not only get hurt… but that she would also hurt him.

What a twisted world we live in, that would cause us to be so careful in our actions, forbidding us to relax or trust anyone. So here she was nearly a year later…exactly a year from the day Ale died. The entire week she had been burying herself in anything and everything she could do. Trying her damndest to forget the anniversary that was quickly approaching her. She filled her riding schedule to the brim working Loco twice as long in the mornings as she used to. Then working with Ozzy in the round pen advancing him way faster than she usually would but knowing deep down that she wasn’t pushing him too hard. Then home to take care of the budding 1 year old Ale feeding her taking care of her and tucking her in for her nap. Getting some paper work done on King to help prepare him for racing season. Then back to the barn to ride Loco, ride Cadricane, then feed and tuck in all three of them for the night. Then back home feed Ale, Anthony, and Herself dinner, feed the dogs, play with Ale for a little bit before bed, tuck her into bed, then straight to the office to work on more racing stuff and to do some work for the company in New York. Then after she worked on all that till about 1 or 2 in the morning she dragged herself to bed to sleep until 3 just to get up and start all over again. She was once again driving herself into the ground. But she pretended like she was fine and that she just had a lot of work. Sure she really did have a lot of work… but only by choice.

That was how the week went on until today. It was about 2:00 am before she crawled into bed with Anthony. This was the worst time of day for her because no matter how hard she tried to focus on everything else… the only thing she could manage to think about is Ale. All the memories they had… all the trouble they got into… and how her life was stolen and she’d never be coming back. Fifteen minutes was about all that she could handle, before she slid out of bed. She grabbed a change of clothes and tipped toed out of the room. Slipping into the next room she gazed down at the innocent baby that was sleeping in the crib. Every day she looked more and more like her mom, and it killed Alex… looking at her reminded her of growing up with Ale and it was a hard concept to handle, especially now. A small sigh escaped her lips before she ducked out of her room and down the stairs to the downstairs bathroom. She changed quickly and carefully stepped over the sleeping dogs, which didn’t stay sleeping for long. They sat straight up as soon as she grabbed the handle of the door. But being in the state that she was in she ignored their whimpers and slid out the door into the cool morning air. She sprinted through the unusual fog to her car… she hadn’t driven the Porsche in ages… not really since she had Ale around… usually she drove the SUV or something that could have a car seat safely in it.

She sat in the car for a while trying to regulate her spastic breathing. Once she thought she was in the clear she turned the key and started the engine. Still staying the driveway… she was losing it… Alex the one who was calm cool and collected at all times was losing her cool. She couldn’t take this anymore… it had been a year she should be over this shouldn’t she. That’s what she thought anyways. ”I should be over this” She whispered to herself. She stared through the fog at Cal’s house. Her neighbor had been like a father to her since she’d moved in… he was always there sitting on his front porch swing watching over her. Except for now, not that she expected him to be I mean it was 2:30 in the morning. Finally she built up her nerve… anger was flooding her body and that gave her enough strength to pull out of the driveway.

It didn’t take long to get to the grave… but just being there that early while it was all foggy made her feel sick. She cut the engine and sprinted from the car, she didn’t know where she was going but she wasn’t ready to walk up to the grave and read the name. She continued to struggle for control over her tears… at the moment she was to mad to cry she wanted to scream… it was early enough… and she was in the middle of no where… no one would hear her. But she just kept running… until she was exhausted, she hadn’t slept in days and she was working all day everyday running herself to her death. Suddenly she jerked to a stop and collapsed onto her knees. Digging her hands into her heart, in an attempt to stop the pain she gathered the scenery around her. It only took a moment for her to notice where exactly it was that she had stopped. She glanced around and searched the dirt finding little hints of pieces of shattered glass and car… sure it could have been from other accidents since it had been a year… but it only reminded her of one. Still soaked with anger she picked up a hand full of glass and dirt and gripped it in her hand till she could feel it cutting her. She stood up spun around and chucked it at the road letting out all the pent up anger and frustration by screaming as load and hard as she could. She still refused to cry though… she made that promise to herself nearly a year ago and she wasn’t going to back down from it. After a moment shrieking loud enough for someone to hear she dropped back down to her knees. Alex had really lost it this time… she felt lost, scared, mad, frustrated, but the biggest emotion of all that she was desperately trying to hide… was the pain and hurt that she was feeling. Would she ever get over this and move on with her life? How long is long enough to get over the loss of a best friend?

[Tyler Haze]

Loss... everyone knows the meaning of it and has in some way experienced it. Whether they have lost a parent or an earring, a dog or a baby... everyone has gone through the loss of something. Most often it is the trivial things that people lost that really didn't mean much to them, but there would come a time in their life when they would experience the true pain of losing something that meant the world to them... of feeling so along without that thing that they just want to kill themselves and end the agony with which they suffer under the burden they are forced to carry.

Perhaps there was no one alive who better understood the meaning of loss than Tyler Haze. It seemed there was nothing in this life that he could lose now because he had lost very nearly everything he had. Aside from the clothes on his back and his own life, he had nothing, and was really living without meaning. No, I'm not talking about money... Tyler never had enough of it to consider losing it to be a real loss. I'm not talking about something valuable... and I'm certainly not talking about all those other meaningless trifles that people try to fill their lives with in order to give themselves meaning.

Tyler had lost more than he ever cared to think about, but as fortune would have it, that was the only thing that had occupied his mind the past few months long and torturous. Any direction he turned, at any point in his life he examined, there was loss staring him down, bold and foreboding, only further hammering all his failures into his mind and leading him further and further down the road to self-destruction. Twice now in the past year and a few months, he had dared to allow himself to believe that maybe he could survive, that maybe there was more to life than just the bitter haunting of the mistakes you had made in the past which he seemed incapable of freeing himself from... and twice his heart had been smashed onto the rocks into a million tiny little pieces.

He was anything but a stable individual, and everyone knew it. anything at any given moment could set him off and he would sink down to a level most people didn't know existed. He was a train wreck of emotions, and it seemed like it would be impossible to put this train back on its tracks. There was only one thing that could fix him, and unfortunately, that one thing was probably never going to be his again... and that one thing was love... he had loved and lost twice, and now he had convinced himself that it would never happen again. Besides, why would someone want to love him? He was just as worthless as a blade of grass, no one would want him in their life.

The first thing Tyler had lost in his life was that child like innocent love of his parents. They were abusive and always screaming at him for things he hadn't done. He didn't understand why they seemed to hate him so much, he was much too young, but all he knew was that trying to love them became harder and harder every time they hurt him, every time they screamed at him in anger for reasons he didn't understand, until finally he just completely gave up. He was probably about eight years old when he gave up trying to love them, but he didn't know what to do about them hurting him. Sure, he could leave, but where would he go? If his parents didn't care about him, why would some stranger? He knew he couldn't take care of himself yet... he'd freeze to death in the winter for lack of shelter.

The next thing he'd lost was his innocence. No, I'm not talking about the "V-Card" although he did lose that at a very young age... the thing I'm talking about is his innocence from the world of hate. His dad had flown at him in a rage, and Tyler being denied the option of flight took to the only other instinct he had... though at the time he didn't know it. Without thinking, or even realizing what he was doing, Tyler struck out, his fist connecting with the side of his dad's head and knocking the drunk man the the ground. Before he even knew what he was doing, he had maneuvered around his dad lying on the floor and was out into the night, making his way away from home.

He had been only 15 at the time, but when he discovered that he could fight back... that he didn't always have to take it, that was when he discovered hate. He hated his parents for what they did to him, for what they put him through, and he wasn't just going to lie down and let them beat him anymore. After that, fights became more and more regular, his parents started coming after him more often to "punish him" for fighting back or God knows what else they could blame him for. The more he fought though, the more he discovered that he was good at it, and the better he got at it, the more of a thrill it gave him, and as it gave him more of a thrill, he started wanting to do it outside of his home... that that was when he went down the wrong road and got mixed up with the wrong people.

At 17 he experienced his next loss. His older brother Jacob was killed in a car accident while he was on his way to pick Tyler up after he'd gone and gotten himself drunk at some party and couldn't call his parents so called Jacob. As Jake died in Tyler's arms, Tyler not only lost his older brother and the rock on which his remaining stability had been built, but he also lost a piece of himself. All his life Jacob had been the one who had kept him going, who had tried time and time again to set him on the right track. All his life, Jacob had been the only one who had ever loved Tyler and expressed it... and now that he was gone... Tyler had nothing left. He had no one to steer him in the right direction, he had no one to encourage him, and he had no one to tell him they loved him. Without his brother, Tyler had nothing.

Shortly after Jacob's death, Tyler was shot and arrested after the gang he was in abandoned him to the police when a bank robbery went south. Being only a few months away from 18, he was tried as an adult, and convicted of five years in maximum security prison. Of course, he managed to get a four years taken off his sentence by giving up the names of the others who had been involved in the crime. One year for each name he forked over, but with one year mandatory prison time and one year mandatory probation. Tyler was pissed enough at the guys who he'd been in the gang with that he would have given the police all their names and locations for free... but getting a few years off his sentence for it was fine by him.

Being only 17 and in a full scale prison was hard... and he took quite a lot of abuse from the other inmates. For a while he just took it, the same way he had taken it from his parents... letting them push him around, hoping that it would get better with time, but with time, he came to the same realization he had before... the only way to make the pain stop was to force them to, and that was when he lost his reputation as "just a kid" among all the other inmates and earned some respect. He was just barely 18 when it happened for the first time. They came after him again, but rather than just let them take all their frustrations out on him, Tyler fought back, and although he didn't come out on top the first time, people were impressed he had the guts to fight.

It happened less frequently after that day, but he was still the youngest there, and they were still taking it out on him. When he took some guy out, the other inmates really started to respect him, and by the time he was finally released, he had earned himself a rather high status among the prisoners, something that most 18 year olds would never be able to accomplish in a crowd as rough as the maximum security prisoners. Of course, it was a prestigious thing in prison, but in the outside world, his fighting did nothing for him and only got him deeper and deeper into trouble... and with that trouble came a lower and lower standard, and before long... Tyler Haze was a regular "man whore."

At 19, Tyler happened to run into one of many one night stands... only this time it was different, she was pregnant. Despite everything he had been through, somewhere deep down the good Tyler was still there, and somehow this girl brought it out in him. Alessandra Ambrosio... she was everything that every guy would want to have. She was beautiful, smart, caring... and loving. It had been a long time since Tyler had felt loved, but when he was with Alessandra, he knew that she didn't care about what he'd done or his criminal record, she didn't care that he'd never done a decent thing in his life... she just cared about him and who he was now... and that was something that Tyler could never put a price on.

Unfortunately, with everything he gained, he lost something... and with this, he was going to lose more than he ever even thought he had. When he walked into that hospital room and saw her lying there pale and nearly lifeless, he just broke down. It was like a repeat of last time... only this time, the one dying meant even more to him than anything else in the world. He pleaded with her to stay there with him and to hold on, but it was all in vain, and he could feel her life slipping further and further out of his hands as he knelt beside the bed in panic and tears. This was so hard for him... but he was helpless to change anything.

She told him she loved him and to look after their baby, and then was gone, leaving Tyler broken and destroyed yet again. The moment her life left her, Tyler started sinking, and there was no one left to pull him up again. He refused custody of his daughter, the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life, but he was afraid that if he took her, she would end up just like the only other two people he had ever loved... dead. From there he hit rock bottom and kept right on digging. He was arrested and put on suicide watch when he refused to say a word to anyone, and seemed hardly able to find the will power to get up everyday.

It was Alex Chasse who had saved him... she came to the jail where Tyler was being held, and brought with her his baby girl, named after her mother, Alessandra. She forced him to stand and look her in the eye, then pushed the baby into his arms, causing him to break down completely. He pleaded with Alex to take the baby back until she did so, and then he sunk down onto the chair there, tears falling freely, unable to hide the emotions anymore. He had loved Alessandra, and she had given his life meaning... when she died, she took that meaning with her, and left him standing there empty handed and hurting.

After Tyler was released from jail again, he met someone... Vivian Kings... and by some miracle fell in love again. It was far from easy, and he screwed up a lot, but she always forgave him... well, up until his last mistake. His parole was nearly up, but he'd had an awful awful day... it was one year since the day he met Alessandra at the stable, and everything seemed to be going wrong... so naturally, he did what any "recovering" alcoholic would do.. he convinced himself that he would have only one drink... but one turned out to be more than he could remember, and he had ended up completely drunk and in bed with some woman he didn't know.

When Vivian walked in and found him passed out in the arms of another woman, she was beyond hurt, and did what any girl in her situation would do... leave him. Unfortunately, Tyler had no idea what had happened that night. The girl had been gone when he'd come around, and he had no recollection of the night before. So it was nearly a week later when he saw Vivian at the club and she told him what had happened... just after that, Sebastian, Vivian's older brother came around to start yet another fight with Tyler... though it was more of Sebastian beating Tyler than a fight between the two of them.

Somehow or another, Sebastian had ended up with a knife in his gut... and naturally, since Tyler was a knife fighter, everyone assumed he'd done it... and everyone was then more than pissed at him. The fight ended with Tyler unconscious and thrown out into an alley while Vivian went to the hospital with Sebastian. It took some time, but Tyler finally dared to show his face at the stable, and when he did... he regretted it. He'd run into Vivian, and she had quite angrily shoved the promise ring he'd given her into his hands, then whipped around and wrapped her arms around the neck of another man and kissed him passionately.

Tyler was shocked... hurt... and heartbroken. Losing her had been hard enough, he couldn't describe the pain he'd gone through knowing that she hated him... but seeing her give back the thing that represented his love for her, then turn around and kiss another man like he'd never meant anything to her at all... that killed him... that hurt more than anything he'd ever experienced in his life. It hurt more than his parents hate, it hurt more than Jacob's death... it hurt more than losing Alessandra... it destroyed him. Since that day he hadn't been sober for more than ten minutes. He was trying to drown the pain in the alcohol... or at least dull it... and somewhere deep down he was hoping that it would kill him so that everything would stop hurting.

But then came today... one year since Alessandra died. Normally he would have gone and gotten himself wasted... but he couldn't... not today. He knew Alessandra would be ashamed of him for everything he had done, and he felt like getting drunk today would be disrespecting of her. He still wasn't completely over her death, and now with Vivian leaving him, he was even worse off than before. He'd spent most of the past 24 hours in the graveyard, staring blankly at the grave marker with her name written on it, with tears rolling freely down his face, and a whispered "I'm sorry" coming from his lips every so often.

He could only handle being there in the graveyard for so long though, and started walking. He had no notion of the time, he didn't even notice the cold fog or the darkness... right now, he just wasn't all there. Before too long, he found himself beside a white cross on the side of the highway, the place where Alessandra had been killed. He stood some distance from it, as if afraid that if he went too close he would be treading on quicksand. He wasn't sure how long he stood there in silence, just looking at the cross, all the pain and heartache of his life written clearly across his face. He was only 20 years old, but already he had lost everything that mattered to him.

All of a sudden, it was as if he was broken from some sort of trance at the sound of a pain filled scream. It wasn't the sort of pain one would expect though... it wasn't a physical sort of pain... it was emotional pain... pent up anger... it was everything Tyler was feeling being expressed in the voice of someone else. He couldn't see who it was, thanks to the fog, but he knew they were close. Perhaps because of curiosity, and perhaps because he knew all to well what this person was feeling, he made his way slowly and cautiously towards the voice, almost afraid of who he might see once he got there.

It took him a few moments to see her, but when he did, he stopped and stood frozen for a moment. Alex. She was the only person who Tyler had met here who he had always seen as the strongest person in the world... and there she was on the ground, hurting and broken... just like he was. For a moment he stood there in silence, unsure of what to do, then resumed moving towards her until he stood beside her. They were both hurting because of the same thing... they had lost something that was more important to them than their own life, and even a year later it still dug down into their hearts in excruciating pain.

He wasn't really sure why he was doing what he was doing... but he knelt down beside her, and very carefully put his strong arms around her without so much as a word. There was nothing to say... Alex had said it all in her scream of frustration and grief. Tyler had never been much good at expressing himself, and that was why he got into trouble as often as he did. He didn't know how to talk to people about the things that were bothering him. All his life he'd just kept it to himself, knowing he would be better off... and now he didn't know how to talk about it, so he always went out and got himself drunk instead, and that always ruined everything for him. Now here they were, Pinewood's most wanted and Pinewood's most in control... both hurting, both lost... death was a cruel thing indeed.

[Alex Lovasz]

Whispering winds, overcast skies, creaky old trees, mourning cries, peaceful souls, a day dressed in Black and Grey… a sorrowful gloom. The clouds above are gray and full but the rain refuses to fall, they refuse to release the pent up tears that they contain. Why? Because they’re waiting for the precise moment when everyone stands still… when the world seems like it’s stopping its constant rotation. It’s waiting for the moment when everyone’s breath catches as their sobbing cracks in half, when their hearts break into pieces. This pause is considered the calm before the actual storm. Before the world seems to come crashing down on top of the small amount of hope that everyone seems to have gathered in this time or mourning. A member of the living has cruelly been lost… taken. No, stolen from the grasps of life, stripped from the fingers of hope. Death is such a hollow, harsh, heartless word that describes the loss of someone whom was loved by those who are still here. Still living life… who now have to go without that loved one as if it was all ok. It’s not okay.

How can you enjoy life after that loss and pretend you’re not missing a piece of your heart that you gave to that person that passed? Is that really possible? Alex didn’t think so. The word life, unlike death, had so much meaning, so much feeling. It held so many possibilities for those who were willing to discover it. Each person was like a small puzzle piece to the map of life. With each passing a piece is lost, and with each birth a new piece is created. This was one puzzle that would never ever be finished… not by any of us anyways. And each life is connected to another, which makes the puzzle grow each day. Each time someone discovers someone else it connects two pieces together… but that only manages to put a small portion together.

Have you ever noticed that in every movie ever made when someone dies it rains? Or it’s at least cloudy and gloomy? Yes its true that helps the viewers experience to emotion that the characters are feeling. But have you ever wondered if it were true? From my experience it is. Whenever there is a lose its been gloomy… depressing, like the sky is crying because it feels the pain of those who have lost someone dear to them. The rain pours down at the climax of the emotion. But this isn’t a movie… this was real… this pain wasn’t acted it was cut throat deep down brokenhearted tear streaming pain that was far beyond words. Pain that shouldn’t be experienced by anyone… but unfortunately a lot of people in the world were all too familiar with this pain. No physical pain could ever compare to this emotional pain… it was so hurtful it almost felt physical.

Tyler Haze, 20-year-old young man, was someone who was all too familiar with this sort of pain. Alex had come to know him through Alessandra. He was the father of Ale Jr. and the one that Ale Sr. had fallen for… he was the one she wanted to grow old with and raise their daughter. But that opportunity was stolen away from the both of them. Tyler had, had such a rough life even before Ale… and the loss of her was more than anyone should have to deal with, especially not him. But unfortunately they all had to endure it involuntarily. After Ale’s passing Tyler got involved with Sebastian’s little sister Vivian. Sebastian was one of Anthony’s friends, who also just so happened to date Ale and also impregnated her with a son. After she passed Sebastian got Caiden, His and Ale’s son, and Tyler was supposed to get Ale, Tyler and Ale’s daughter, but that didn’t happen since Tyler was too distraught to take her, so he forfeited his custody to Alex. And that’s how all of that came to be.

Anyways, Tyler became involved with Vivian despite Sebastian’s warnings. Which caused him more trouble than he needed. But he loved her and in so would do anything for her. Now we’re getting to far ahead of ourselves though. To understand the story exactly we have to take you back to the beginning. Alex and Alessandra met because of their parents chosen careers and place of residence. Alex’s parents were well known racehorse trainers and owners. They had their methods and what not, and were known for only the best. Alessandra’s parents were the best at horseracing in their country and came to the US to take them by storm and become the best there as well. Both took residency in New York. Alex was born and raised there and spent her summers in California, her winter’s in Florida and fall and Spring at home. Traveling wasn’t something she was afraid of since she had been doing it since birth, going wherever the races were. Alessandra moved in next-door and their families immediately became friends… after the competition died down and they realized how much they had in common. So at age 11 they hit it off and it didn’t take long before they were the best of friends.

Jumping ahead a few years Ale grew and Alex didn’t. Alex was exceedingly interested in riding and racing. And although Ale enjoyed watching and helping her father manage the business she wasn’t as into racing herself, she enjoyed eventing more… and seeing as how she was modeling before she was even 3 years old it became her passion and it didn’t take long before she was discovered. They found themselves going in different directions but still very important in each others lives. After high school Ale went off to become a professional model and Alex went off to College. They remained close until Alex graduated early advanced to manager of a company and had finally had enough of her father. She invested in a horse, bought him and moved away from her father and family. That’s when the communication lines between her and Ale crumbled. With Alessandra traveling so much for work and then always in the eventing circuit. And then Alex in West Virginia “hiding out” training Loco and managing her company from a distance doing her best to avoid her father, whom couldn’t survive without her financial advice. It was no wonder… they just simply grew apart.

But now we’re getting sidetracked. While Ale was off being a supermodel she met Sebastian, and While Alex was working on starting her own stables she met Anthony. But unlike Alex and Anthony, Sebastian and Ale didn’t last long. Sebastian, still in love with Cheyenne, got bored with her and left her. She was devastated of course… because she thought he was the one and that they’d settle down and have a family and all that happily ever after business. So she buried herself in fitness, work, and riding. When she got promoted she went out to celebrate alone and that’s when Tyler, her supposed one nightstand, came into play. They had their fling and she didn’t expect to see him ever again. Then next thing she knew a few weeks went by and she’s pregnant. She got paid leave off of work and sat around her rather nice apartment for a few months. Then she called Alex’s mom to find out what her address was. Once that was done she bought a plane ticket… she had no intentions of asking to live or stay with her. She just wanted to visit and catch up… just something to do to keep her from mopping around the apartment all day.

She showed up and Alex wasn’t home which she found absolutely perfect for surprise her. Alex would come home and she would open the door and yell Surprise! Alex came home all right… but with Anthony by her side… and boy was she surprised. It worked out perfectly and Alex told her to stay as long as she wanted and when she got the whole story she practically forced Ale to stay with her. Little did Ale know that there was a bigger surprise awaiting her. After her horse Cadricane got to the stables she found out very quickly that not only Sebastian lived there but so did Tyler. And not only did Sebastian live there but he was engaged. It was quiet painful to think that what you thought was your future husband left you with just a note then about 6 months later you see him and he’s engaged to be married. Talk about you’re kick in the ass/slap in the face. It’s definitely a small world, wouldn’t you say?

After a lot of whoopla, they found out she was pregnant with split sperm twins… which summed up means that she was pregnant with twins with two different fathers. And we all know who the two fathers are, as previously explained. So after a big toodoo she and Tyler ended up together and Sebastian… well he hated the idea but Ale didn’t care and she made sure she let him know that as soon as he walked out their apartment door he no longer had an opinion on who she was or wasn’t with. Everything eased up and was fine and dandy for the next few months… the pregnancy was going smoothly Tyler and Ale were doing great. Sebastian and Cheyenne were on good terms, and so where Anthony and Alex. Everything was going perfectly. And therefore it all had to fall apart… considering nothing good lasts forever. The world had to stick to its rules and Ale was no exception to those rules.

Her due date was coming up and they were all catering to her every need. She finally got everyone out of the house. They were all at the barn, including Sebastian who was constantly checking up on her, Along with Alex, Anthony, and Tyler. They had all left her for the time being and she was enjoying the peace and quiet just like any normal person would be. Then with out even the slightest bit of warning… her water broke and that was what set off the disastrous set of events. With everyone at the barn she knew they wouldn’t make it back fast enough to get her to the hospital before at least one of the babies. She could tell because of how close the contractions were and they were only getting faster. Her only conclusion was to drive herself, yes I know that’s insane but you don’t exactly expect her to be thinking all that clearly when she’s in labor, do you? She figured she could get herself there pretty quickly and therefore before anything happened. So she snatched the keys and got in one of the SUV’s and sped off. Everything was going smoothly, she was making good time, the contractions weren’t all too bad, and she had a feeling she was going to make it to the hospital without any problems… that is all up until she hit a stop light… she knew the light had a habit of taking forever to turn green… and from what she could see no one was coming… so she went with her gut and hit the gas hoping just to slide right through it and continue on to the hospital.

But she wasn’t that lucky. A huge semi truck barreled into her right when she was going through the intersection. Her car flipped several times before stopping on the side of the road… The guy in the semi, obviously uninjured, called the ambulance and they got there as soon as possible. She was rushed to the ER and the babies were delivered via C-section. They called her emergency contacts whom were Alex, Sebastian, and Tyler, obviously. They all got there fairly close to one another but Tyler was first and the only one who got to say goodbye. Alex got there shortly after but Tyler was already in the room and she didn’t want to interrupt so she stayed just outside and took the baby girl when they brought them out. Ale held on to Tyler’s hand but after a while it was too hard to hang on and before they all knew it the last little bit of life was drained from her fingertips…. It destroyed Tyler… and Alex… and Sebastian. But Alex lived in Denial, she refused to let herself collapse into the thought that her best friend was now gone and she wasn’t ever coming back.

She went a while living like that. Just going on with life making sure she was always doing something so there was no time to think about her not being there. It was hard for a while but after a while it seemed natural like she really was ok… even though deep down she knew she wasn’t. But she refused to let that bubble to the top she made sure those feelings stayed buried. Tyler on the other hand crashed… he refused to take Ale and passed custody over to Alex who took her willingly knowing that having the baby around would help her and that eventually Tyler would come around and want to be involved in her life. And Alex being Alex of course she was right. But soon after Ale’s passing Tyler got arrested because he was a threat not only to others but also himself and they wanted to keep an eye on him. So in turn she let him stay there a little bit then brought Ale down to see him forced her into his arms and made him hold her knowing that would be all it took. Once he held her and he looked like he might drop her due to being under so much emotional stress she took her back and convinced him that she would help him get passed this.

She got him out of jail and helped him get back on his feet, she was planning a wedding for Charlie and Hayley at the time, she was taking care of her business in New York, helping her parents with finances, running things with both her and Anthony’s horses, and taking care of the baby. She most definitely had her hands full. But that was what she wanted, that was the plan, busy herself and make sure she had no time to spare… that’s what she did when she was upset about something. She filled her schedule so she wouldn’t have time to think about it…. And she ran herself into the ground several times in doing so. Tyler eventually found Vivian and together they pulled each other out of the holes that they were in. But that left Alex still burying herself in all that she could find. One night they were all online chatting and Alex was working on wedding plans and a pile of paper work from the office. The topic turned to Sebastian once again drugged or drunk blaming himself for the death of Alessandra… and Alex still being in denial tried to help him out… in turn he pointed the finger at her… or did she say something… the memory was all very blurry to Alex, but one of them said something and it ended up in a huge fight and Sebastian told her something along the lines of “we can’t all live in denial like you Alex and have a hard heart.” With that she couldn’t take it anymore. That was the blow that pushed her over the edge.

She went to her bedroom packed a bag and left despite Anthony’s coxing. While she was gone things went sour. Anthony went MIA, Tyler got into trouble with Sebastian (as usual), Sebastian was… well Sebastian was being Sebastian, and nothing was going the way it was supposed to be. A few days after she left Cheyenne called her, quite panicked, about Anthony killing himself on the racetrack. Instantly feeling guilty for being so selfish she came back and they all met at the track and watched Anthony nearly commit suicide. He fell off and Alex ran onto the track, it took him a moment to actually believe that she was there but once he did things got better. She still didn’t talk about the day she left or Alessandra’s death and she never really has. Maybe a time or two she’d tell Anthony she missed her… but the only day it was really hard for her was her wedding day.

Both Ale and Alex had planned their weddings together and they promised they’d be each others maids of honor so that way they could plan it exactly how the other wanted it. But since Ale passed she couldn’t do that for Alex nor could Alex do it for her… so instead she planned her own wedding… but not how she wanted it. She used Ale’s plans. And ended up crying her heart out right after she had her makeup put on… but once she got it all out of her system she buried it again and let her joyous feelings take over. Since then she still hasn’t released her feelings… it’s just not something she’s comfortable with… it makes her feel vulnerable and she hates that… so her whole life she just avoids being emotional all together. As you can imagine… nothing good could come of that. She was doing good… she was married she was pregnant her and Anthony were great everyone was doing so much better… well other than Tyler… things had recently gone south with him and Vivian…. He had a bad day…. Couldn’t get a job and a lot of other things just weren’t going his way… so instead of going home to his girlfriend and sulking there. He went and got himself drunk… smart choice Ty. Then ended up sleeping with some random girl at his house… the next morning Vivian came over, didn’t knock because well she wasn’t sure why but she walked in to find him passed out and tangled up with some other girl.

Obviously not a good start… but in his defense when he got drunk he was easily controlled and the next morning the girl was gone so he had no recollection of her being there or sleeping with her. Vivian did, she had a very clear image burnt into her head… and she wanted nothing to do with Tyler… he had betrayed her. But he had no idea… so a few weeks later when he saw her at the bar, having not heard from her in a while he walked up and put his arms around her… little did her know her very protective brother, Sebastian, was watching. And Sebastian already knew all he needed to know, Tyler had cheated on his little sister and broke her heart, he was now the enemy. To sum it all up Sebastian beat him up… Seb got stabbed and Tyler was left to basically die. Seeing as how stabbing Sebastian would be extremely out of character for Tyler, Alex didn’t jump to conclusions and accuse him of being automatically guilty. She didn’t argue or pick a fight with anyone she kept her opinion to herself but she didn’t think Tyler would do that and therefore didn’t hate him like he most likely assumed. But she hadn’t seen him to be able to tell him that she had faith in him and she would always love him and that he needed to come see his baby girl.

That is until now. Here was a woman… who was always seen as strong, confident, collected, unbreakable…. And she was completely broken now. She was on her knees in the dirt… finally letting out everything that she had been holding in all this time. Finally expressing her grief and torment. She missed her best friend and now instead of denying it she was letting it out for the entire world to see. But of course she didn’t think anyone was around to know… which is why she let herself go in the first place. She could swear she could hear the screeching tires and the shattering glass as if it were happening all over again. As if any moment now she would be crushed by the rolling suv that contained her best friend. But in reality there was nothing… no one she was completely alone. Her heart was shattered… and she had a feeling there was nothing that could piece it back together. She felt cold… and empty… there was no sign of the tiger lady any more… she was no longer around… all that was before us is a mourning woman who seemed without hope.

Cold fingers touched her shoulders and she found herself being pulled into someone’s strong embrace. She was too weak to bother trying to look up and see the face of her comforter. She wasn’t scared… or nervous… she was just hurting and it didn’t matter to her if there was someone threatening her. But she knew it wasn’t a threat… the body seemed just as broken as her own… shattered into tiny piece that were impossible to glue back together. The pain she was in now made that not matter… it didn’t matter anymore… nothing mattered to her. She was letting everything go… she was to tired to be strong anymore so she just let the tears poor out. Though even not caring or looking up to see who it was… she knew… she knew there was only on person who would be here the same time she was. She turned and wrapped an arm around him burying her face slightly against his chest… not in a love type of way but just because she knew he knew what she was feeling. If anyone in the world knew what she was feeling, it was him.

Tyler Haze, she could tell by the build, muscular yet hanging low like he was in pain… that from the life he’s had he was in pain. And he was the only one who would be at the crash site on the anniversary of…. This early, in the fog. It wasn’t coincidence… it was just the fact that they both were feeling the exact same way… torn apart just plain broken. For a moment all she could do was cry. Her voice hurt from screaming so loud before and now from crying… she was not only in physical pain but also emotional. But once she thought she could cry no longer, though she knew deep down that the tears wouldn’t stop coming for a while, she looked up at him and looked him in the eye. She didn’t know what to say… for once she didn’t want to be the one to give advice… mainly because she had no advice to give. But also because she was hurting to much herself… she wanted to just be in pain and let it out. She was done holding all of it in and out of everyone she knew she could let it out in front of him because he wouldn’t judge her. Sure she didn’t think Anthony would either, but Anthony didn’t know what she felt like. Tyler on the other hand did.

They were both still trying to get over the loss of someone dear to their hearts. And with the whole Vivian thing on his plate at the same time she knew right now he needed her… and she needed him. She was pretty sure that no words needed to be said… they already knew what they were feeling… and there wasn’t much that really could be said on the matter. She was gone. That was all there was too it. She wasn’t coming back… and that hole that now existed in their hearts would most likely never be filled. Somehow they were just going to have to move on. But for now she just sat tears streaming down her cheeks looking into his eyes. ”I miss her” That was about all that could be said… what other words could possibly be used in a situation as devastating as this? All they had was each other and they were going have to help each other out in this. Tyler was the only one Alex had in this place… in this dark hurting place he was the only one she had who would understand.

[Tyler Haze]

Tyler's life was definitely the definition of a living hell. He was convinced that there was no one left out there in the world who actually cared about what happened to him. He was a time bomb... it wouldn't be long now before his timer ran out and he self destructed. He was hurting... hurting worse than anyone could understand. He understood that other people had pain... but none of them had as much pain as he did... none of them had no reason to live anymore. Everyone had their issues, but right now, he had more issues than most people ever would compile in their lives. He felt completely alone and lost, without direction, and it was killing him. Tyler still loved Vivian... he still loved Ale... but Vivian hated him now, and Ale was dead. There was nothing he could do now to fix it. He had tried to fix things with Vivian... he really had, but this time he had ruined it, and there was no way it could ever be fixed. He just really wanted to die.

The emotional pain he was in was so intense that it was transforming into physical pain. He constantly felt like he was being crushed beneath a huge weight that was breaking every bone in his body. He couldn't explain why if he wanted to, but everything just hurt, and he didn't think it was ever going to stop hurting. He had ruined every good thing that had ever happened to him, and it always came at the expense of someone else's life. By now he had told himself time and time again that Vivian was better off without him. The only two people he had ever known who actually loved him were now six feet beneath the earth's surface... all that was left was Vivian. He did believe that she had loved him... but now he didn't see how she possibly could. He had betrayed her on the worst level, and all because he was too stupid to go talk to her and instead went and got drunk and ended up with some other woman.

The way Tyler saw things now was that it was better that Vivian was gone... not for him, but for her. If he had been with her much longer, she probably would have somehow been killed. Everyone he was ever with and loved ended up dead, he didn't want that for Vivian. He loved her, and even though staying away from her hurt him more than anyone could know, he had to... for her sake he had to stay away. He was still hoping that something would kill him so he wouldn't have to do it himself... he wasn't even sure he could do it himself. He had tried that once, and it hadn't worked. Later that night he'd run into someone that happened to hate him, and they nearly killed him... and unfortunately for him, Liz saved him. Every time he knocked on death's door, someone was there to save his life. He didn't want to live, but he was being continually forced to continue doing so. He hated this life, but he couldn't seem to get out of it.

He felt so horribly guilty all the time, it was eating away at him bit by bit. At this point, he felt like there was nothing left of him, that it had all been taken away from him and now he was just an empty shell of a man, filled with misery and grief, and forced to continue living in a life that he wanted nothing more than to be free of. It was a sad sad day when a man realized that he had nothing and that the only way out of this horrible existence was through death. Tyler had reached that point. He was alone, he was hurt, and with time he was just going to fall over dead when he finally willed his heart to stop beating and his lungs to stop taking in air. He really needed something to look forward to... something to give his life meaning... but there was nothing left. He had lead himself to believe that there was no one there for him, so he had no reason to change.

He wasn't sure how Alex was going to take his approach and putting his arms around her... considering everyone believed he'd stabbed Sebastian, and considering her relation to Sebastian, she probably hated him along with everyone else. But Alex was the only one who knew what he was going through. She was the only one who knew what losing Alessandra really felt like. She was the only one who knew what it was like to try everything she possibly could to numb the pain but never finding any relief. Of everyone in this world, Alex was the only one who could identify with Tyler, and even she didn't know the extent of what he was going through right now. He just needed to have some sort of purpose right now, otherwise he would kill himself, and his baby girl would end up having both her parents deaths on the same day as her birthday, and she would never be able to enjoy the day that was supposed to be her day. Not that she would, considering her mom had died on her birthday... but having her dad die on the same day a year later would be hell for her in the future.

So, since Alex was the only person around, he made his purpose comforting her. She needed someone to be there for her right now as much as he needed it... and since there was no one else there, they had to settle for each other. She didn't even look at him when he knelt down beside her and put his arms around her, but she seemed to know who it was without even looking. Alex was the strongest person he knew, and seeing her here on the ground so broken was...well, strange but at the same time revealing about her. She never seemed to be able to be hurt, and Tyler had always admired her ability to not be penetrated by the things the world threw at her... but now he was realizing that she could be hurt, just like he could be, and that the person who was regularly the support for everyone around her needed someone to support her too.

Alex's thin body was cold to the touch, as if she'd been outside for a long time, and he had a feeling that she had probably been at the graveyard at some point, and since there was no car here, he figured she had probably walked from there. Having Alex cry on him was somewhat almost relieving to him. It meant that there was still someone here who didn't despise him... and that maybe someone needed him... that maybe there was a reason he was still here... a reason to live. He never would have imagined himself being the one to comfort Alex... it was almost always the other way around. At the hospital when Ale died she'd been the one who was there for him. When he'd walked out of Alessandra's funeral because he was overcome by grief, she'd been the one who was there for him. When he'd been arrested and put on suicide watch, she was the one who was there for him. Every other time when he'd screwed something up, Alex was the one who was always there... he never would have imagined the tides turning to where he was the one who was there for her.

He pulled his coat off as Alex looked up at him, and before the cold of the morning could whisk away the warmth of it, he had it wrapped around Alex, and was again holding her close to him. I know. He said in a hushed tone, really meaning that. He knew what it was like to miss Alessandra. He missed her smile, the sparkle in her eye, her joyous energy... hell he even missed the way she slapped him when he did something stupid... he missed everything about Alessandra. I miss her too. Missing her was a bit of an understatement... Tyler knew he would never see her again, and that hurt. He hated that the last image of her he had in his head was of her face pale and bruised, her body limp and broken... no life left in her. He hated that every time he thought of her all he could see was her lying there in the hospital bed unmoving and cold. He hated the thought of her being buried in the ground... he hated the thought of her being dead... but all of it was true, and he couldn't change any of it.

These were undoubtedly the worst days of Tyler's life. He had been avoiding town in order to avoid Vivian, and no one had seen him in quite some time... meaning no one knew the condition he was in. Most of the time he was passed out drunk or well on his way to passing out drunk somewhere... but surprisingly, he actually hadn't slept with anyone. Normally he was easy to persuade into doing things when he was drunk... but this was different. For whatever reason, women he didn't know no longer seemed to have that persuasion over him... the only one he wanted was Vivian, and he could never have her again, so he would go without. He had gotten himself into this mess by sleeping with another woman... or so he was told... and he wasn't going to just keep doing that and make Vivian thing that she had been just a name on his "to do" list. No... Vivian was so much more to him than that, and even though he would never be with her again, he wanted to prove that to her by staying away from other women.

Even though his drinking had taken a turn for the worse, overall, he had taken a turn for the better. With the resolve to not engage in meaningless sex, he was turning over a never before seen leaf in his life. He'd been sleeping around since he was 15, except when he was with Alessandra and then most of the time when he was with Vivian, but he wasn't going to anymore. He'd hurt Vivian by sleeping with someone else, and he wasn't going to dig the knife in deeper by just continuing on doing that which had hurt her as if her pain meant nothing to him. Oh no... this was a new Tyler... unfortunately a new Tyler that was more like the Tyler before Alessandra, only slightly better. He'd taken one step forward and two steps back, but in some ways he retained what he had taken in that stop forward as he went back...if that made any sense at all.

So there they sat, in silence once again. They both needed each other right now, and although Alex didn't know it... her needing Tyler was saving his life. Tomorrow he would probably pick up his steady drinking routine again, but he would still be alive, he would have survived to see another day... which if it weren't for her needing him right now, never would have happened. It wasn't the first time Alex had saved Tyler, and it probably wouldn't be the last either. She was his life line, and without her he probably would have killed himself months ago before he even fell in love with Vivian. Tyler owed Alex his life, and he would definitely gladly give it for her. Without her, there would be no Tyler, and that is a cold hard fact.