[open] All that he needs

[Dustin Kurucz]

Dustin Kurucz had never been the sort of person who was easy to impress. It wasn't that he thought he was better than everyone, it wasn't that he had already seen just about everything there was to see, and it wasn't that he just found everyday life boring. No, on the contrary, he knew he was far worse than most people, he hadn't seen much of anything in his life, and he yearned for normal everyday life. The reason he was hard to impress was because he had seen people who were supposed to be the best sort of people do the worst imaginable things, and he had seen the worst imaginable people do the best imaginable things. He knew how twisted and warped this world really was, and it killed him to know that everywhere he turned he was going to be haunted by the things he had done, that he could never take back or fix. He should be rotting in a jail cell... but here he was in the outside world just as free as everyone else out here.

He was a quiet sort of guy, had hardly ever said more than a few words to anyone, but that didn't mean he wasn't listening. He was always listening... always reading people. He could tell more about a person from the way they walked or drank their coffee than they could tell him in five minutes. But there had been one time when something he heard really truly impressed him.

Tyler Haze... he was infamous for all the problems he'd caused and trouble he'd found himself in. From that attempted robbery to surviving getting shot three times. From the knife fight to all his jail time. From the break-ups with his girlfriend, to his girlfriend's brother nearly killing him numerous times. It seemed if there was trouble, Tyler had already gotten into it. Needless to say, Dustin was quite enthralled with Tyler's stamina and unending ability to pick himself up and keep going. He wasn't impressed by that though... considering he was doing the same exact thing, and he'd seen plenty of people do that before. What really impressed him about Tyler had been the first night he had laid eyes on Riley... but she is another story for later.

As he had approached Riley, Tyler, and the band of miscreants that had apparently been trying to take advantage of Riley, he heard possibly the most impressively accurate thing anyone had ever said coming from Tyler. "What is it that men fear most? The unknown? Death? Darkness? Or perhaps that which men fear most is the unknown which lurks in the darkness bringing death in it's wake." Just at those simple words, he'd sent the men scattering. While Dustin was a mind reader of sorts who could manipulate what a person thought, Tyler was the kind of guy who could manipulate his own self image, which was by far more impressive than what Dustin did. Oh sure a lot of people could hide certain aspects in their life, but before Tyler, Dustin hadn't ever seen anyone who was so fluent in making themselves appear to be exactly opposite of what they were.

How did Dustin know that Tyler wasn't the sort of person who would be the unknown force in the darkness, a herald of death? Simple... observation. Once all of the men had fled the scene, Tyler made an attempt at introducing himself, but seemed hardly able to come up with the words to do so after having said something so flamboyant and powerful as what he had said to those men. He was having a hard time with figuring out what relationship he had with Vivian, then finally gave up and just introduced himself as Tyler. Even as screwed up as Tyler's life was, Dustin longed for a life like his. Most of the time, what Tyler had gotten into was a misunderstanding, or an accident, or even just the actions of a young man who was confused and lost and had no one to turn him away from doing the wrong thing... Dustin was far from that.

Unlike Tyler, Dustin had been a herald of death... he had killed another human being before. He hadn't been confused... no, not at all. He had been inconsolably angry, and while he knew he had the right to be upset, he in no way had the right to do what he did. There was absolutely no regret for killing that man... he just wished he hadn't had to. Now maybe that sounds a little crazy, but Dustin wasn't the sort of guy to forgive and forget, and especially when the crime had been in the killing of a three year old child. There was no way in heaven or hell Dustin was going to stand on the sidelines and let that child abusing man get away with killing Shayla and destroying the last thing Dustin had to hold onto. No, he'd had to pay, and pay he did, with his own life at the hands of a killer which had so geniusly evaded the police long enough that the case had gone cold and likely would never open again.

But that was in the past, and the past wasn't something he liked to dwell on anymore. He was thoroughly confused about what was happening in the present. Riley was pregnant... with his baby... how the hell had that happened? Dustin loved kids... adored them actually... but he was scared shitless about being a dad. He wasn't a good role-model... hell right now he was probably funding Pinewood's drug dealers more than anyone else. He was an addict, and as much as he had been trying for the sake of Riley and his baby, he couldn't seem to get through the addictions. He would try, but it was just too much for him to handle, and he would find himself doing whatever drugs he could most hastily get his hands on. He hated this life... more than anything. It was killing him... literally. At this rate he wouldn't even be around to see the baby born.

Of course, little did he know, Riley was lying to him. She wasn't really pregnant... she wasn't really going to have his baby... he wasn't really going to be a dad. He would find out eventually though. He was too good at reading people for her to get away with lying to him for long. Once it was made known that she had stabbed him in the back to get him to be with her, he would be so completely destroyed... Riley had no idea what kind of heart she was playing with. She didn't know all the scars she was digging at. When Dustin found out that she had lied to him... that she had betrayed his trust on every level... it was possible that this was one more thing he wouldn't be able to forgive. He loved Riley, he really did, and he would never love anyone else... but Dustin had been hurt so badly in the past that if all the present held for him was betrayal... he didn't want that at all.

Currently, he was sitting on a bench in the park, only slightly high... he couldn't quite remember what exactly he'd taken, but odds were he'd just smoked one joint too many, and was now paying for it. His head was screaming in agony, and every bit of his body protested the drugs that not too long ago it had been demanding. He felt horrible... and not in a sick horrible way... in a "I'm fucking up my life and I can't even get one thing straight" sort of way. He was certain that anyone who saw him would be able to tell that he wasn't right, and he was really hoping they would all just leave him alone so he could come down off this high on his own... but he wasn't that lucky, it would be only moments before someone came along, he was sure of it. He could only hope that they wouldn't press him for imformation about what was wrong... he hardly spoke to the people he knew, let alone people he didn't know.

Truthfully... what Dustin really needed right now was someone who would be a good friend... someone who would be completely honest with him, and tell him everything he already knew about himself. He needed someone to force him to listen to what they were saying as they told him how much he was screwing up his life, how horrible he was for not trying hard enough to get over the drugs and alcohol. He needed complete and utter honesty, holding nothing back. He needed someone to tell him that he was strong enough to get through. He just needed someone who wasn't afraid to force him to change. That was all it would take... that was all that he needed. One good true friend.

[rhiri]

It wasn't often that Lupus got to walk in the park. Sure, he had strolled through Hyde Park once in a while but he never truly got to enjoy it. That was probably because he was aching or bleeding somewhere from his mothers last attempts to get him to "behave". The last time he found himself in the center of that beautiful park was just a day after he came home from his last visit to Gram's.

Mom was high or drunk, he couldn't really remember which one it was, and had "forgotten" that he was aloud to go there once every three months. So, to her, he was misbehaving once again and she told him that she was sorry but didn't think there was any other way to teach such a horrible monster as himself. For the next hour or so he was slapped, pushed, kicked, punched and God knows what else. At least she hadn't gotten the knife this time.

Any who, after she passed out he ran out the door and to the only place he could relax without having to worry about her waking up and finding him. Lupus never understood why she wouldn't step foot into the park but he wasn't about to look the gift horse in the mouth. So, there he was in the middle of Hyde Park watching the bruises form on his arms and legs. How exciting.

Stretching his arms over his head he let out a yawn before looking around. It was a nice park. There wasn't to many people around, unlike Hyde, and it was a simple type of pretty. Hyde had all the fountains and gardens that made the place look lavish. No, the park by Pine Wood was a simple thing and he liked it. Looking around for a moment he couldn't see anyone. Maybe the park was empty today?

Lupus was wrong, big surprise there, the park was not empty and living in New York had taught him what one look like when they were tripping on something. And this guy was tripping. It was sad though because he didn't look much older then Lupus himself. Yeah, there was no way he was older then twenty. But the question was, what had pushed him to become like this? Lupus grew up with a horrible family and yet he knew to stay away from drugs and alcohol. So where was this guys family? It wasn't any of his business but he knew what this stuff could do to people so he would keep an eye on the guy just to make sure he didn't collapse or something.

Lupus moved to stand by the guy, maybe seven to eight feet away and folded his hands behind his back. Sighing he stared off across the park, never looking at the guy. "You know its not worth it right?" His voice was quiet and distant almost like he was talking to himself. "I don't know what you've been through and I'm not one to assume I do but I can tell you its not worth it." He paused for a moment. "You probably don't want advice and you probably wont remember it either but. . .just don't let them break you." He was still staring off. "Don't let whatever it is that put you here like this win." He stood there not really expecting an answer but he stayed there all the same. Just to be safe.

[Dustin Kurucz]

Do you have to leave? Came the pleading voice of the little girl as she looked sadly up at him, and angel's face that was almost impossible to say no to. Sorry Shay, I have to get home. He replied, though it wasn't entirely true. She often went through this ritual when he had to leave. Well can I go with you just this time?

[/s] She asked, her sweet eyes begging him to say yes. It killed him to tell her she couldn't come, but he had to go... and the law wouldn't let him take her from her foster family. Shayla, you know you have to stay here. This is where you live. He hated having to say that, both because he knew she wanted to live with him and because he wanted desperately to have her live with him. But why Dusty? Why can't I live with you?[/s]

Dusty was the name she had always called him. When she was first learning to talk, all she could manage to pronounce was Dusty, and she never grew out of the habit of calling him that. She was the only human on the planet that he would ever let call him by that name. Anyone else would regret it the rest of their lives. That was her name for him, and hers alone... no one else. We've been through this Shay... it's better for you here. Now go on back inside before they start to worry that you've gotten lost. The pouty lip and the tear filled eyes were her silent response as she walked back up onto the porch, and looked back at her brother. Just as Dustin was about to get in his car to leave she came running back down to him, and threw her arms around his leg, begging him to let her go with him just this one time, tears spilling relentlessly from her eyes.

Shay... He said with a sigh, picking the little girl up effortlessly, I'll be back next week. The time will fly by, I promise. You'll hardly notice I'm gone. The little girl just nodded, and hushed her crying. For a moment the two of them just stayed there in silence, Dustin not knowing what to say, Shayla just wanting to go with him, but knowing she couldn't. Finally she broke the silence and threw her arms around Dustin's neck, I love you Dusty. She said as she pressed her face into his shoulder, clinging to him as if for dear life. I love you too Shayla. Now go on back inside, and I'll see you next week. He said, setting the child back on the ground. She seemed to have accepted that, and ran back inside to the living room windows where she waved to him as he pulled away from the house.

That was the last time he saw the little girl. When he came back next week, there were police cars and an ambulance outside the house. No one had to tell him what had happened as the tiny body bag was carried out... he knew in that instant that she had been killed by the man who called himself her dad, and everything that had given him hope was killed with her. She was gone.[/i]

Dustin suddenly pulled out of the flashback at the sound of someone's voice. For whatever reason, he had been going back to that particular memory a lot lately... most likely because he kept taking the same drugs for the same reasons and somehow that combination always returned him to the same place in his life momentarily. That was the problem with having a memory like this. He didn't just remember images, he remembered things as they played out... almost a videographic memory if you will. Because of that he could see quiet vividly everything that had ever happened to him. It was sort of unfortunate, and caused violent flashbacks like the one he had just been in. Of course if he'd had a pleasant past then this wouldn't be a problem, but it most certainly was a problem now.

In truth, Dustin was surprisingly competent when he was high... probably because he'd been doing it for so long. Alcohol was just about the only thing that could really knock him off his game, and he wasn't really a big drinker. Unfortunately, he hadn't heard all of what the guy had said, since it took him a moment to collect the composure he'd lost in returning to present times in his mind. All he caught was something about not letting this break him or letting it win... and he was guessing it wasn't hard to tell that he was high on something. Then again... a lot of people had a lot of experience in being around people who were on drugs and for them it was as easy as telling a cow from a monkey. Dustin really needed to restrict himself to places where other people wouldn't be when he was high... he didn't want it getting around that he was a drug addict.

He squinted up at the guy for a moment before answering. It's a bit late for that don't you think? He asked in that usual flat and emotionless tone that he almost always spoke with... except when he was with Riley. She brought out the best in him... but only when she was the only one around. He couldn't come across as soft... not when he lived on the streets. It was a dangerous world he lived in, and he had to do everything he could to survive on a regular basis. You were either cut out for the streets or you weren't... there was no in between. Dustin happened to be one of the few who had managed to survive... though at this rate it wouldn't be long before he overdosed on something and ended up killing himself.[/center][/size]

[rhiri]

He shift from the balls of his feet to his heels and hummed a response. Watching the empty park with its swaying grasses and blooming spring flowers made him smile in irony. It was funny how such horrible things could happen on lovely days. It always tickled the back of his mind every time he ran through Hyde Park. Aching and bleeding he could stop and smell the flowers that really held no mercy. But then who was he to wish gloom on the world just because he was hurting?

He stood still now fingering a bruise that seeped out from under his long sleeves and over the back of his hand. "I don't let it get me." He whispered and this time was really talking to himself. It seems more of a reassurance then a statement. He shook his head lightly and dropped his arms to his sides. "No, I don't think its too late but the question really is," He stopped and finally looked at the guy, "do you?"

((short, crappy, have to work all day, sorry!))

[Dustin Kurucz]

A headache had formed in the back of Dustin's head and was starting to seep through the rest of his mind, making thinking difficult... a normal thing for him when he was coming down off a high. It was a terrible thing... migraines that made him feel like he was going to be sick... and he wasn't sure the pain was worth what little he got from the high... but he was an addict, and he just wasn't strong enough to get through withdrawals on his own. He wasn't too horribly addicted to anything strong...he was just addicted to a high, and anything that would give him that would satisfy him.

Even if Riley knew she was going to crush him, she had no idea just how badly he would be crushed... and how could she? No one knew how much he loved kids... no one knew how hard it was for him to see happy families... big brothers with their little sisters... no one knew how much he missed that little girl because... well, no one really knew that there ever even was a little girl. Shayla had been Dustin's life... he had made her well-being his obsession. The one thing he lived for was giving her a perfect life... and in an instant that was snatched away from him. Everything that he had been working towards was destroyed... buried in the ground with that tiny child's body. Now here Riley was... offering him a second chance... the opportunity to do things right again. She was handing him hope... handing him a life apart from the misery he was dwelling in.

Unfortunately for him, it was all a scam. It was the equivalent of a poor man who was saving up everything he had for his children, then falling for a scam online, giving out his bank account information, and losing every last penny that he had scrounged to find just so that they might have a better life than he did. She had no idea how hard it was for him to trust her... how hard it was for him to let her in... how hard it was for him to give up everything he had believed almost all his life just for her... because deep down, even though he wouldn't admit it, he was in love with Riley Hartman, and he would do anything for her, and that just made this betrayal all the worse. Dustin was going to be more than destroyed when she told him. He was having a hard enough time as it was, there was a good chance he wouldn't survive when things got worse.

Absolutely not... I'm just teeming with hope and enthusiasm for the bright future ahead of me. Dustin replied, obviously being sarcastic. He wasn't trying to be rude or come off as mean... the guy was only about the same age as he was... maybe a bit younger... and Dustin could tell that he had it rough. He could see the bruise, and he could see it in his eyes. Dustin knew what it was like to be abused, and he had killed a man for abusing Shayla to the point that she was killed... it wasn't something he took lightly, in fact, it made him inconsolably angry. He had felt the pain of childhood abuse... he had nearly killed himself because of childhood abuse... he went to prison on false accusations of killing a cop because he nearly killed himself... his whole life had been ruined by abuse, and he would do whatever he had to in order to prevent others going through what he had gone through.

Yes, Dustin really was a good guy... and I mean really truly a good person, but all because his dad was an abusive alcoholic he had lost all hope of living a normal life. He would never be trusted if people knew what he had done, since he could never prove that the man had killed Shayla, and even if he could, he would still be arrested for murder. No, he had no hope of living a normal life... everything would be a lie, and he hated living a lie, though at this point, he really had no choice.

[rhiri]

Lupus rolled his eyes at the sarcastic answer. Well, that wasn't the way to think. No one ever gets anywhere with those types of attitudes. It looked like he was about to tell the guy just that when his Cell went off. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the black Razor. Smiling apologetically he looked down at the screen and winced when he read the name of the caller: "Mom". 'Great.' he thought, 'This is just what I need right now.'

Lupus flipped open the phone and placed it to his ear before letting out and weary "Hello?" Another muffled voice could be heard from the phone but it was not understandable. He sighed, "I'm at PineWood Stables Mom. I thought Dan told you that." He slumped visibly as the muffled voice got louder and more high pitched. Before answering he glanced at the guy again and lowered his voice a bit, not that it would do much good. "Mom, you're drunk so I think you need to go lay down for a bit."

Now the voice sounded angry and Lupus winced again. He slumped just a bit more so his body now resembled a sort of standing fetal position. "I'm sorry, that was way out of line for me . . . I know Mom. I'll remember that." A shaking hand went to his hair now. Slowly, he ran his fingers through the golden tresses as if to help comfort himself. He glanced at the guy again and then looked away from him completely. "You want me to repeat that?" He looked a little frightened now. If he repeat what his Mom said, however true it might be, what would the man beside him think? Why did he even care? Its not like the guy was in any condition to do much about it. He had his own problems to deal with.

He took a deep breath and let it out through his nose slowly. "I know I shouldn't question you . . .Yes, I know that and I'll just repeat that for you." He took another deep breath. "Here it goes. I'm a worthless piece of scum and I don't deserve the things I get. You're a wonderful Mother for putting up with and raising me. I don't have friends and anyone who may pose as my friend is either being paid to do so by me or they just pity me." He paused for a moment then opened his mouth to keep going but snapped it shut. He went rigged but listen to the quieter voice on the phone. "Okay Mom, I'll try that. I cant promise it will really work around here but I promise to try. . . No I don't know any good ways to do it." He shook his head. "Okay, I'll try that. I think killing myself by running in front of a car is a very good idea. . . I know, you are a very good and helpful Mother. I don't know what I would do with out you." Suddenly he pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at the now screaming ear piece. Sometimes he wondered where that woman got her lungs from.

Shaking the thought from his head he returned the phone to his ear and sighed again. "No, I'm not being sarcastic Mom. I would never do that to you. . . Yes, I know I'm worthless. . .I know you don't love me . . . Okay, I'll see you when I next visit. . .Bye Mom." With that he hung up and put the phone back in his pocket. Lupus stared off into space for a moment before turning back to the guy and gave him his best, and quite true, I-know-I'm-really-adorable-and-I-know-you-just-want-to-screw-me-right-here-and-now-on-this-very-side-walk smile. "Moms, they're the best, huh?" He rolled his eyes, still smiling. "You really shouldn't be so sarcastic about this stuff. I mean, you cant really think this is it! Come on, wheres your positivity!?" He giggle a bit and offered his hand to the guy. "I'm Lupus by the way."

[Dustin Kurucz]

Dustin could tell that this guy was going through the same sort of thing that he had gone through most of his life up until four years ago. It was a horrible thing... being abused by the people who were supposed to love you the most. The screaming and yelling just made the pain even worse. He couldn't explain it if he tried. Every child has an instinctive love for their parents, and when they started hurting him he was confused to say the least. It didn't happen all at once. He was a missionary kid... though unfortunately for him, his parents were far from the best missionaries. They refused to let him hang out with the other kids, and so he had to sneak off to go play with his friends. They were always telling him that the other children were unclean and would corrupt him... which of course Dustin couldn't understand, so he went off and played with them anyway.

When he turned five, his parents abandoned the missionary deal and turned to drinking and drugs. He of course didn't understand that either, all he knew was that his parents were starting to get more and more angry. They would yell at each other, they would yell at him... all for no reason. Then just a few days before his sixth birthday was the first time he was hurt by his parents. His dad came home particularly angry for no apparent reason, and when he found Dustin in the backyard playing with his friends he flew into a rage. Of course Dustin's friends dispersed quickly, leaving Dustin to the mercy of his dad, which unfortunately he had none of. Scared and confused, as soon as he was given the chance, he fled and didn't come back to the screaming of his dad who was too drunk and high to run after him.

He didn't come home for two days after that, and the only thing that brought him home was the fact that he was only six and he didn't realize that his was going to continue. When he came home his mom tried to baby him, but his dad would have none of it. They got into an argument, and both he and his mom were beaten that night. After that, his mom started getting into the drugs too, and shortly after that she started abusing him too. More confused now than ever he tried to wait it out, he kept hoping it would stop, but it never did. The pain just kept getting worse, the insults they added to injury just kept getting more and more harsh... but Dustin never gave up hoping. Even at such a young age he saw and hoped for the good of mankind, and he wanted so badly to believe that this would stop that he convinced himself every time his parents hit him that this would be the last time... that tomorrow everything would be better.

But when he was nearly beaten senseless at 10 years old, he gave up on hoping. The light that he had always imagined at the end of the tunnel went out, and everything changed. He didn't see the good in people anymore... instead he saw the bad in good people and worst in bad people. To him every human was someone who would just turn on him and hurt him if given the chance. For five more years he put up with the beating... for five more years he dealt with being told he was worthless, being told that they would take their drugs over him. For five more years he suffered for no reason except that he was alive and an "inconvenience" to them because they had to spend money to keep him alive... which was entirely untrue. All of their money went to drugs, and Dustin had to do whatever he could for food. Finally when he was 15 he gave up entirely, took his father's gun, and stepped outside into the alleyway.

Obviously he didn't kill himself, or else he wouldn't be here today, but he never was able to see the good in humans again... at least not until Shayla. She gave him a bit of hope that maybe some people weren't bad. He had a feeling that this kid was one of the ones who wasn't all bad. What Dustin didn't get was how he could be so... optimistic. Dustin looked up at him when he asked where his positivity was. It was buried six feet under nearly two years ago. He mumbled slightly, not really wanting to think about the little girl that had brought hope back into his life and was now dead. It hurt to think about it, even now. To get his mind off of her, he glanced at Lupus' hand as he offered it to him, and after a brief hesitation, lifted his own to meet it. Dustin normally didn't shake hands, but he figured he could make an exception tonight. Dustin. He said to introduce himself.

He had always been a man of few words, and you'd be lucky to get much more than a sentence or two out of him at one time. It wasn't that he disliked talking to people, he just didn't have much to say. You don't have to put up with that... he added after a moment, referring to the way his mom was treating him. anyone who abused their kids, in Dustin's opinion, should be put behind bars for the rest of their life and locked away from society... it was more than they deserved for what they did.

[rhiri]

There were many times Lupus thought about running away from home. There were a few times that he actually did. But he stopped after the third or fourth time. The beatings he had to deal with when he came home or was caught just weren't worth it. And, for some reason, the disappointment on Dan's face just cut him down. Lupus never understood how his Step-Father had that effect on him. Its not like he cared for Lupus or Lupus cared for him. Then again, Lupus never liked disappointing anyone for any reason.

That was probably the oddest thing about Lupus. He had this strange ability to become whatever any person needed him to be. You need a friend, you got one. Lover? You can have that too. Sure, he had his own identity, his own personality, likes, dislikes and fears, but thats what is so unique about him. He can be all those things, anything, simply because he's already those people. Call it a personality or identity disorder if you want but Lupus views it as his own way to help people, make them happy.

He still had that one of a kind You-know-you-want-to-love-me smile plastered pleasantly on his face as he let out a small giggle. "Well Dustin, someone needs to hammer some positivity into you. As for my "putting up with that", I find it easier to just put up with it rather then. . ." He stopped and looked around. His bright smile fell into a small nervous one. What the Hell was he doing? Why was he telling this to a stranger? Moment of weakness? Maybe, but he couldn't afford to haver any more of those. Not now, not when he was so close to getting out for good. "I'm sorry, you don't want to hear about that." He looked away and fidgeted for a while before turning back with the bright Love-me smile back on his face. "So, about hammering some positivity in you. Lets think. . ." He spread his legs a bit and crossed his right arm over his chest before resting his left elbow on it and holding his chin in his hand. "Hmm. . .think, think, think. . ."

[Dustin Kurucz]

Dustin hadn't ever really had a normal life. Between being a missionary's kid to being abused to being thrown in a full scale prison at age 15 to being given custody of his baby sister to becoming a murderer he really didn't know what normal was. The world had been cruel to him, and now he was so battered and hurt that he couldn't remember a time when things had been alright. None of this had been his fault at all. He'd been sent to prison on false murder charges when he was only 15 without a trial. He'd done everything he could... he'd lived on the streets going without some necessities of life just so Shayla could have a better life, and they'd taken her from him because they thought he was dangerous. Then she had been killed by the person who they said would take care of her better than he ever could. No one understood how he felt, and no one cared to find out either.

He wasn't really sure what he was thinking... maybe it was the traces of the drugs still in his system, maybe he just couldn't handle being the only one who knew, maybe the secret was just too much to hold back... who knew? But whatever it was, there was no stopping it. She was three... he said, his gaze locked on the ground, and his voice somewhat hushed, ...they said it was an accident. He couldn't say more than that, and he wasn't even sure Lupus would catch his meaning. Even just thinking about it hurt like hell. It felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest whenever he envisioned her tiny body, the bruises and cuts covered over with a sort of makeup... lying there in a cedar casket as the people there shunned the brother who had tried to save her, and expressed their "grief" to the people who had killed her. It was all wrong.

Dustin was fairly sure that after everything he had been through, he had every right to be depressed. Sure he knew he should try, for Riley and his baby, to get over the addictions, but he couldn't. He didn't want Riley to know he was an addict, but he couldn't get over it on his own. Aside from her, there wasn't a soul out there who was even vaguely interested in him, let alone willing to help a "dangerous criminal." There was so much about this life that was giving him reason to just quit the whole thing all together, but he'd found out a long time ago that he wasn't man enough to kill himself. He'd tried a few times, and eventually just gave up on it all together. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to pull that trigger...how degrading was that? He couldn't do anything right... he couldn't even kill himself.

Dustin continued looking at the ground, though his hands were clenched into fists as he resisted the force that always dragged him back to the day she was killed. He didn't want these flashbacks anymore... Shayla was dead, there was nothing he could do about it anymore, and he might as well accept it. As much as he wished that he could change the way things happened he simply couldn't... there was no way to make this better. Death was more final than anything else out there, it couldn't be reversed. Dustin knew that all too well, but that didn't stop the hurt. He had a feeling he would never get over that, even if someday good things did happen to him.