xoxox, Megan[Blog]

[MELODY MARIE LEWIS]

Dear Hayley, (or megan). The dance is tonight.
I know you really don't want to go, but she's
counting on you. Shawana wants to go badly,
your her ride. Your going to fan fest tomorrow,
and then possibly to meet that guy saterday.
you love gay boys, he's so amazing. Don't
forget, next week you start that diet.

-Megan.

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[MELODY MARIE LEWIS]

[ignore my grammar, spellng, ect. ranting shouldn't be judged.]

and then suddenly, at that moment you realized people aren’t who you thought they are. they could have been anyone. they could have been your hero - someone you’ve looked up too for years. they could have been someone who shares your your own blood, your own last name. The “could be’s” are endless, and it would take two lifetimes to complete the list. but what if that person, you swore you knew, is yourself? you forget that moment when you get that gut feeling, as if to get sick in a matter of moments, because of what someone (be it a person, a book. a song or a moment) when you felt like you finally know who - insert your name here - is.

Then, you forget the stupid smile that came to your face, and the day after when you re-did your myspace “about me” and replace words you thought where quote on quote “lies”, with words that seems true in the moment and later would be re-named fake. I used to know who Megan Delany Mathews was. I was born in the salty air of the bay area, surrounded by a family who just couldn’t wait to hold me and invite their love into my life. I blinked, and I soon found myself in 3rd grade, at a school called Pacific Christian. I was filled with constant relgious preaching, telling me if i made even one mistake, that when I died I would be sent straight to hell, to burn eternally in the ruins of flames. But I was also told with one prayer, God would forgive me. If only.

So I started spending most of my life calling myself a Christian. I went to church, and at the time I really enjoyed it. All my “friends” went there, and it was nice to see them and talk with them about the latest model of polly pockets. I admire this time now, looking back at it. I had so much faith. I was so carefree, and happy. But around my Birthday, also in my 3rd grade year, my Grandfather, Jerry Mathews, had been diignised with Lung Cancer. I didnt quite understand what that mean’t. I only knew he was sick. I only knew he was very, very, sick. He was a good man. He gave me so much - a house to spend the night in every weekend ( i didn’t have that many friends, so i stayed there) with himself and my grandmother, Lollie Mathews. But he also gave me a love of god’s most amazing creation, the horse. He owned a horse ever since i could remember called boomer. He was a stubbern brat, but I loved that horse. I always dreamed of having one of my own, but i only had boomer. and i was lucky to have that.

Aside from a horse, I wanted a little brother. My mother had tried with my father so many times, one try led to a misscarrige. But when they told me, in a beautiful vintge card that i was going to be a sister again, i was happy. For a good week or so, untill i saw the for sale sign in my yard. It turned out, I was moving to Arizona, where my Grandparents from my mother’s side lived. I was leaving my house, my neighbor ruby (who i had grown fond with, but looking back on it i dont think she was very fond of me), my family, my school, and i didnt know it yet, but my faith. I was sent to my Aunts house while my parents, and when he deicded to join us, my little brother, moved into out new house. I was to finish out my last year in my old school.

I remember thinking my new house was pretty, and big. I remember thinking my pool was the most amazing thing ever, and while i was lonely that summer, my nice toys (mainly plastic horses from target) made up for it. I took a nap, and found myself in fouth grade. I was bullied by this asshole, who called himself denton. He’d call me fat ass, and remind me i was what he said i was everyday. I would have asked to leave the school, but i had met three people who were simply the best at the time. Genna who ended up becoming my best friend, Becca and marina, who were already best friends but offered thier friendship to me anyway. But from that year forward, i’d never considered myself beautiful again. Denton rueined me.

The next few monts and summer went by normally. Genna and I were with each other almost everyday, I took horse lessons, and swam. That’s it. That’s all I did. I was innocent. I was happy, for the most part. I found out Genna was moving schools, so I followed her to Gateway Point, Elementry and middle school for fith grade. I don’t remember much happening that year, either. There wasn’t a denton, and majority of people were nice to me. I felt like i fit in. One day at recess Genna told me she was moving away, about a half an hour away, and she wouldn’t be at gateway. She did move, and I didn’t see her as much.

But sixth grade, it was awful. It changed my life. It seemed like everyone at that school was a Denton. I sat in a corner every morning getting rocks thrown at me, and probably every name that in some way called me fat. I became severlily depressed. When i thought things were getting worse, my grandfrather passed away. Cutting seemed like a good way to cope. So i did it. I took a tack, and thursted it into my arm. It was such a release.

Genna didn’t like how I was acting. Downing myself all time, dressing in dark colors. She told her arm, and we called our friendship off. I didn’t want anyone there. I wanted to dye. Evanescence, my favorite band at the time, was all I needed. Becca, then became my best friend. She didnt and still doesn’t know it, but saved me from taking something sharp, worse than a knife or tack to my wrist. There was a time I almost did, tried to, but i’m still here. She was part of that reason.


I blinked again, and was in the presence of total stangers. My mom moved me into a school called South Valley Junior high. I was nervous, but I came to love it. Kids were mean, they always were, but not like Gateway, I never fit in, I was never the popular pretty girl I wanted to be, but I did have one good friend. Stevie. I can’t go into the memories with this girl, it hurts to much. I didn’t know her either, in the end. But I became obbessed with a band called Paramore. Paramore saved my life. I dropped cutting, and listened to them whenever I wanted to cut. I met them the following summer.

I was such an innocent girl. What forced me to take that sip of smerinoff, and then another, and send me spirrelling downward? Why, am I considering trying that weed? Having sex?

So, ladies and gentlemen.

It turns out, I was so focused on telling people they didn’t know me,
to figure out i didnt know myself.

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